Armour of Sanity

Weirdness is unavoidable.
It's part of who we are.
Human nature, if you please.
I'd go so far to say
We are all insane.
From the way one
Brushes their teeth.
To the way one
Crawls in bed to sleep.
And everything in between,
Throughout the day,
Screams absurdity.
We go around,
Concealing our differences;
Veiling that which makes us weird.
These masks are our
Armour of sanity.

A Conversation With My Future Daughter

I look at the shiny silver metal between my fingers
A small, timid voice rings in my head:
"Mommy, what are those scars from?"
A daughter that has not been born yet asks.
I shutter when her tiny cold fingers touch my skin.
"I was battling, my dear."
"Who were you battling, Mommy?"
"Myself. And don't worry hunny. I won."
She smiles up at me.
"If you ever feel like you're in a battle I will always be here for you."
I shake my head and put down the blade.
The thought of a future has saved me; for today.

Stupid

Words cut deep,
Just like razor blades.

Of All the Things

Of all the people in my life that would hurt me,
I never thought you'd be one.
Of all those that would let me down,
To you, I always wanted to run.
Of all the heartbreak I would have to endure
I thought it was you I could trust.
Of all the things that could have been done,
Our relationship has been turned to dust.

I want you back, daddy.

Telegram

Someday, under a sky so blue
On a meadow so green,
We'll be saying, "I love you"

Our souls stained with longing - now wiping them clean
Because all the memories and desires are being made anew.

Our bodies will finally be
Where our hearts have always been
And we'll have the reassurance once again

That our love is true.

Tuesday Morning

Tuesday Morning

Held a moment filled with radiance;

Before dawn came

And all was perfectly still.

We shared a kiss at last

After waiting these past centuries.

Remembering you were there
After a crinkle in the sheets,

A smile spread from ear to ear,

As I felt your warm embrace.

Love took over:

The sensation filled me

From my head to my toes.

Envelop Me Once Again

I wear your shirt to sleep
It envelops me in comfort.
I can feel the strength
You once held me with.
It reminds me of
The sound your heart makes
As you fall asleep.
Your smell is still soaked in the sleeves.
It brings back memories:

How it felt to have that smell
Wrap itself around me and enter my soul.
How your body moved in sync
With mine to create perfection.
I wear your shirt to sleep.

Everything Called Destruction Must Be Creation.

You say you're torn,
Like the pages unevenly ripped out of a teenagers diary.
You say you're shattered,
Like the pieces of a porcelain doll that slipped through the hands of a toddler.
You say you're broken,
Like the old VHS player that doesn't play, only eats what you place in it's mouth.
But, my darling,
You are still a magnificent creation.
Though you may be battered, shattered, ripped and bruised,
You are still beautiful.

You are a beautifully broken masterpiece. 

When Our Beings Touched

I miss the way your body felt next to mine.
Skin touching skin,
There will never be enough time
To explore every inch of you.
Every deep crevice you try to conceal
On the inside;
You've managed to pretend not to feel.
But I know the truth.
I miss the way our lips would touch,
Every secret hidden within
I will never release from my clutch,
Since they slipped into my soul.
When our beings were close
Nothing was missing,
So now I propose:
Please be with me forever, never leave my side.

I'm So Not A Morning Person

Mornings I have always detested, 
When my eyelids are shut and crusted,
And my bed envelops me in the warmest embrace...
Those are the moments I no longer desire to be part of this rat race.
However, recently my mornings are detested for a greater reason.
For every night I go to sleep, no matter time or season,
My thoughts and dreams drift to you..
While I'm asleep we're together, so waking up brings heartbreak anew.

Writer's Block: New and Improved

This is new to me...
Words are not flowing out of my pen.
My mind is completely blank!
You've been gone for so long,
I don't know what to write about.
All the parts that I thought defined me
Are no longer working...

FRUSTRATIONS.

I thought we had an agreement...
But now I used you?
I thought you were okay...
But now you told me the truth.

I just wanted to figure things out...
And you agreed!
I just wanted to know for sure,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to mislead.

I want you to talk to me!
We were such good friends...
I want everything to be okay.
I knew every friendship always ends...

I...

When you were here I fell asleep so quickly..
With the way you curled up behind me,
Hugging me closer,
And buried your face in my shoulder,
I was safe.
I fell asleep with my hand on your chest,
How I loved to feel your breathing,
Our legs swirled together
And your fingers laced in my hair.
I was loved.
And when we were out,
In the middle of a crowd,
Your eyes were only for me,
As if I were a royal queen.
I was special.
Now you're gone... And I can't sleep.
My heart feels all that it has lost
So fully... I can bear it only so long.
My hands are empty, and your eyes are no longer on me.
I am lonely.

We're All in Need of Saving Sometimes

I want to save you:
Pull you away from everything that hurts.
Shelter you from poisoning lips
And fiery words.
From all the thoughts that drag you under
I want to be the one you run to.
But, how can I be your savior
When I need saving too?

Shhh....

It's building up...
This secret I must keep.
You threw it on
To my already large heap.
I know I swore
I wouldn't tell a soul
But my heart is heavy;
This burden creating a hole.
With each new day,
I know you're in more pain,
As her fists come down
And insults shower like rain.
I'm glad you trusted,
And told me what's happening,
I'd be lying if I wasn't scared,
Every night you go to bed crying.

Oblivion

I once wrote a poem entitled 'These Nights.'
In which I said "these nights are the nights that will fade into
                                 oblivion."
But, my dear, since then I have counted each night as its own wonder.
A magnificent gift bestowed to me that carries it's own marvelous
                                mysteries.
Each night a new fantastic lesson could be learned or some new marvel beheld.
My dear, this outlook is because of you; on that night I dared to say would fade
                               to oblivion,
                 That was the night I met you.

Demons

My demons are everywhere tonight:
Crawling in my mind, devouring my might.
My soul blackened beyond repair,
My willpower gone; I hold onto this despair.

Emotional Scars Hurt the Worst

Throughout all the years I've known you
I've considered you my best friend.
You were the person in this world I could trust
And I knew you'd stick with me
Through thick and thin.
I'd go to you with troubles and hurts
And I'd leave feeling the pain had finally come to an end.
I guess love really is blind,
Since every time I came to you
A new scar was added upon me.
And I only just realized
That these cuts you gave
Run so deep inside me.

10 Is a Magic Number

10 seconds

Since I dropped  you off. 

And it took everything in me 

Not to chase after you and beg you to stay.

10 minutes

I can't stop thinking about what you're doing.

Walking through security... boarding a plane...

Meeting cute girls. Are you missing me already?

10 hours

All our secret moments are on my mind:

The kisses we shared, hearts pumping and hands roaming.

The stolen glances and touches, while our bodies ached for more.

10 days

You were here and every second I spent with you. 

And now I have to go months 

Before I can see your handsome face again. 

It already feels like 10 lifetimes.

No Use Denying it Anymore

For all my life I've been told that I must walk a certain path.
I must act a specific way,
Be a good (perfect) person.
Until I was 18, I was not supposed to think about boys.
(I had my first kiss when I was 16)
I was not supposed to have sex until I was married.
(I lost my virginity at 17)
But, I think
What they want most of all
Is for me to love boys.
And, I do.
I never questioned that.
Until she walked into my life.
She's amazing,
One of the best friends I've ever had.
I let her kiss me.
I let her touch me.
Sorry mom and dad.
I liked it.

Kiss me.

Kiss me hard.
Hard enough to make,
My foot pop,
My stomach churn,
My mind quiet,
And,
My broken pieces be put back together.

Writer's Block Sucks

I can't write.
I can't think.
And I have
No inspiration.
I feel broken.

Voices

I am surrounded by a thousand voices. Each one I desired to hear, To have them tell me how to make my choices Because I am too riddled with fear. So here I am, in the place I longed to stand, Mind blurring as the thoughts race; 
My mouth screaming as my ears are covered with my hands. And I suddenly know, loitering in this place My own thoughts are the ones I need to hear; My own desires, and the dreams I never clung to or held near. I wish I could go back to when they were new, but it's too late it seems.

Don't Remember for the Momentary Bliss

The last time I cut, it was a beautiful thing... I finally found something that glided ever so perfectly against my skin, slitting it open so little beads of red could slip out... It's all I can think about tonight as I lie in bed, half out of the covers as spring is slowly turning to summer and nights are warmer. I smile as I remember my mind clearing in that moment to focus on what my hand was doing. I don't remember the pain. I block that out. It felt so beautiful in that moment... Stress and worry laid aside and for a brief moment my mind was blank. And then... Chaos. Another slit. And another. And another. Momentary bliss as blood seeped from my cuts. Don't remember the pain; only the beauty of momentary bliss. Don't remember... I remind myself, As I reach again for that perfect blade.

For Forever

In every movie

A lost person,

Broken from their past,

Finds someone.

And, suddenly,

Their brokenness is mended.

One person enters

And the rest is healed for

Forever.

One person will not heal me.

One person cannot take 

My thoughts from me.

One person's love will give happiness, 

Not joy. 

One person can momentarily 

Take the pain, but

One person cannot heal my shattered life for

Forever.

I'm spiraling.

It makes me sick,
Literally my stomach is in knots,
To think about
How a normal mind is taken for granted.
People walk around and
One bad day and they're claiming depression.
A mismatched line
And all of a sudden they're obsessive compulsive.
They can't focus,
It's gotta be attention deficit.
But they can get rid of it.
It goes away for them.
It never goes away for me.
I live in constant fear that something will trigger
And I'll be sent down a spiral
That I may never return from.
One day the thoughts in my head might overtake me.
I can push them to the side as much as I want
But they will never disappear.
And they're claiming anxiety
Because of one broken nail.
Please don't take for granted that your symptoms
Will disappear.

Make Me Whole

When you hold my hand,
The warmth of your touch
Tingles my soul.
When you hug me tight
The whole of your body
Fills my empty spaces.
When you kiss my lips
The sweetness of your breath
Awakens my icy heart
To the sweet possibilities
Of something brand new.

Though these things haven't
Come to pass,
I know with all my heart
That you could make me whole.

Shout Out

There's this girl I know
You'd hate her if you just met her:
She's such an asshole.
But, when you dig past the rough shell,
You'd realize that she's amazing.
She's loyal and loving
And one of the best people you'll ever know.
She'll help you find love,
She'll talk you out of suicide.
She'll listen when you just want to cry.
And she's so beautiful.
Even when she pretends she's not,
She's absolutely gorgeous, inside and out.

So this one's for you, you asshole.
        I love you, girl.

So, I Got Tired Of Being Cute. (Sorry for the language)

I wasn't looking for anything.
I mean, seriously. Fuck that shit.
Relationships suck.
Guys are douche bags.
I've had my heart broken so many times
That I was just D.O.N.E.
I didn't mean to meet him.
I mean, who goes on fucking Omegle
And meets someone? It's messed up.
But he wasn't looking either.
He was just practicing his music
To complete strangers living across the country.
I was supposed to be studying but my friends-
Assholes, each one of them-
Convinced me to listen to him play:
It was my kind of music.
He played so beautifully...
And then I saw his face.
I don't think I could describe my first thought.
All I knew was that I was done for.
That is, if he wanted to talk to me too.
Two hours on a random video chat.
That's how I met him.
And now, I don't want to go a day without talking to him.
It's that awkward moment
When you don't think you can love anymore
That love finds you.
But seriously, fuck you and your cute ass face and awesome personality.

Trying Doesn't Count

I tell everyone: "Don't fall in love with me, I'll only let you down."
Why does no one ever believe me?
I know that my heart isn't capable of attaining love...
At least... Not anymore. I was stupid,
I gave my heart away so early, to someone so undeserving.
And now, I want to let someone new in
I just don't know how to restore my heart in order to give it
Away all over again. And I don't know how..
I don't know how to give it away, it hurt so much the last time.
But I'm going to try my best, you deserve it.
I know I'm falling for you, but I'm grasping for anything
That could possibly stop me.
I think of new excuses everyday as to why I shouldn't like you.
But you counter every one. You're so amazing and...
I only wish that I could be deserving of your attention.
I promise I'm trying my best.

Little White Pill

This little white pill
Holds all the answers.
This pill can make
me happy.
It will help me
Think slower.
It's supposed to heal
My brokenness.
The things inside me
That don't work right
Will now function properly.
I'm not going to
Fade again.
I'll laugh and smile,
Live and love fully.
This little white pill
Is going to mend
My mind.
But first, let me
Slash my hip
One more time.

Don't Compromise 'The Boys'

Sitting in class today, it was preparation for student teaching,
The professor said to all the young women in the room:
"Do some jumping jacks, or stretches in the morning.
Just to make sure that what you're wearing is not compromising
When you are moving around and interacting with students."
But she said nothing to the men.
Why do we put a disclaimer for women to dress
"Appropriately" or in a "non-compromising" manner
And, yet, men are allowed to dress however they please?
Men can be inappropriate or compromising too.
They wear deep-v's, muscle tee's or even go shirtless.
But all hell breaks loose when I wear a miniskirt.
There are some young men at my school
Who wear jeans so tight it's impossible NOT to stare at their junk.
It's distracting. It's inappropriate. It compromises me.
But there's nothing said to them, they're boys.
            Boys will be boys, right?
They can't control their thoughts, actions, or body.
So, ladies, dress appropriately so as not to distract them.

Why are women the only one's guided to cover up
And dress modestly, when men should have to as well?
If they can wear tight, revealing, and 'compromising' clothes,
                                So can I.

Anxiety

It's happening again...
My heart's racing.
Slow down!
Here goes my breathing.
Stop hyperventilating!
In. Out. In. Out.
Now my fists are clenching.
What the hell.
My jaw hurts from
Grinding my teeth.
I'm so stupid.
I don't even know what set me off.
Breathe. In. Out.
Great. Everyone's staring.
Stupid. Stupid.
"Are you okay?"
Someone asked.
"Yeah," breathe "I'm fine."
In. Out. In. Out.
Slow down.
Stop clenching.
Almost back to normal.
Shit.
Someone laughed.
Here I go again.
In. Out. In. Out.

Just Say It

I keep waiting for you to say:

            "It was just a joke. You're as ugly as you think."

I just want you to get it over with:

            "Why would I ever care for you?"

I'm already hearing you tell me:

             "You're just a stupid girl; My friends dared me."

I want you to say it, confirm all my doubts:

             Because obviously I'm not allowed to be happy.
I know it'll happen someday:
             Eventually everyone leaves in the end.
I need you to tell me it's fake
            They did before you, so you can too. 

Revision from California

They tell me 

That human instinct 

Is self-preservation.

So why do I feel

That every impulse 

Is telling me to die?

Every second awake

Is a fight between 

Body and soul.

My body wanting to die.

And my soul struggling

For a desire to survive. 

Walls

I was determined,
No one would get in.
My heart would be defended
Once and for all.
But you've been taking out bricks.
Slowly. One by one
They're all disappearing.
What happens when they're all gone?
When my walls have vanished?
I'm terrified. Please stop.

Living Hell

You may think that these stories I tell are just words.
They're all just lines on a page.
These stories haunt me day and night. These words
Are my existence: my living hell.

These Nights

These nights are the ones we won't remember.
These calm nights where we spend all our time studying
These nights where we all fight over what genre of music to play.
These long nights where it seems we won't get sleep.
These nights where we can't stop laughing at who knows what.
These beautiful nights that seem so important now,
These are the nights that will fade into oblivion.

Human Instinct

 They tell me 

That human instinct

Is self-preservation.

So why do I feel

 That every impulse

Is telling me to die?

Every second awake

Is a fight between 

Body and mind.

My body wanting to die

And my mind struggling

For a desire to survive.

Nightmares

        My flesh is on fire.
And my lungs are desperate.
        My family is killed,
                             One by one,
While I stand and watch.
        The ground rumbles
And my friends are swallowed
                            Into the belly of the earth.
        Spiders crawl out of every crevice.
Someone is hunting me down.
        And I'm on my death bed; lying
                            All by myself.
But, I think, what I'm most afraid of
        Is that I will give up on
Struggling to survive. And one day
                            I'll take my life.

Death

What happens after I die?
       Is it just a black nothing?
       Will I go to Heaven?
       Or will I be damned to Hell?
       Will I feel anything at all?
       Or does everything just end?
I wish I had answers...
Perhaps I'll find out soon.

Trust

I don't know how people expect me to trust.
Lies have been my life.
My dad, my friends, my peers.
Lies have been all I hear.
And now you're asking me to trust you.
To open up and let you in.
That's the equivalent of me blowing a bubble
And asking you not to let it pop.

Silence

When I was younger
I longed for silence.
The noise of my siblings,
Drove me to anger and frustration.
When I was with him
I begged for his silence.
For whenever he was silent
He was not accusing me.
But now, I long for the noise.
I long to hear my siblings.
I beg to hear his accusations.
If only I didn't have to sit in this silence
Listening to the screams
Within my own mind.

Falling

After all this time, you'd think I'd learn.
I should know that my hopes for us will always crash and burn.
You always hurt me and let me down
And yet, I'm still falling: just about to drown.

The Reaper

He's coming for me:
His scepter-like hook,
Shiny and sharp,
Erect in his hand.
His dark clothes
Draped loosely on him.
Closer.
I can hear his footsteps.
His breath is heavy,
Desiring me.
Closer.
I can feel his presence
Standing behind me,
He licks his lips.
He won't stop
Until he gets me.
"It's almost time."
The words escape
His cold, sealed mouth.
He wants me dead;
My blood on my own hands.

Holding Tighter Still

I think I've been using you as an excuse...
I don't want to get close to anyone else,
So I'll tell everyone I'm still in love with you.
But I'm beginning to realize that's not true.
The tighter I hold on to you,
The less I have to get attached to someone new.

Forever.

I've loved you from the start.
                  And I'll love you till my spirit, from this world, departs.

Not Knowing

Should I ask you?
I really want to know..
Should I take a chance?
What if your answer is no...
I really wish you would tell me
If you have feelings more than just friends.
'Cause living in this hellish purgatory
Will be the beginning of my tragic end.

Allusion

A blank page,
So crisp and clear,
Soon dirtied with
Worries, stresses and fears:
The pain of the past,
Anxieties for the future.
Who knew that something
So clean and new
Would become so tainted
By the worries of the people
With influence over it.

What Love Is.

I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.
The wind is ripping through my hair.
My arms are outstretched: I'm flying.
I can do anything, be anyone.
But I'm pulled back to reality
Knowing you are standing behind me.
I'm standing on the edge of a cliff,
And though you have the power to push me off,
To send me careening towards the bottom of the ravine:
I trust that you won't.

Shadows

The shadows on my wall dance at night,
They tell stories of handsome princes and trying fights.
Daring girls who long to escape
The world they see for a different landscape.
Little boys who are all that they can be,
After their role model says "don't end up just like me."
These shadows inspire me to tell
Every single story that puts me in a spell.
But as I put my pen to the paper,
The words disappear like a vapor;
Like trust once it is lost,
And cannot be gotten back, no matter the cost.
So the stories will live on in my memories:
My own wonderful reveries.

Scars

You see the scars on my wrist
And shrink back.
They are disgusting, hideous
Reminders of my past.
At one point in time, the guilt and the shame,
Overwhelmed me.
I would hide my scars from the world.
Looking back on my past,
I no longer feel shame.
Each scar reminds me that I am a survivor.
Every line on my body
Shows a time that I wanted to die.
But I survived.
My scars prove that I can survive
My own mind.
So when I remember this,
I can see the beauty
I can feel proud of my scars
Even when everyone else sees hideous lines.

The Most Beautiful Person

I've been a lot of places
And seen a lot of good looking faces.
But, my dear, not one could ever
Hold a candle to you.
No matter where I go,
No matter who I see or meet
You will always be
The most beautiful person to me.

Never Recover

It's been three months,
I should have moved on with my life.
But I can't forget, I don't want to.
I can still feel the way
You held me in your arms,
Desiring me for the first time.
Your eyes shining from the smile
Spreading from your lips.
You whispered in my ear,
Words I had been longing to hear
Since the first day I met you,
And my heart jumped ten feet.
When you leaned in, I thought
I would die from happiness.
Your lips left a lasting impression.
And I'm afraid I'll never recover
From everything you're putting me through.

When I say I love you.

When I say I love you,
I want you to know
That I mean it with every
Single fiber of my being.
I know your secrets,
I know your deepest regrets.
I know your insecurities;
All the things that make you upset.
You've hurt me before,
And I'm sure you'll do it again.
And even with this knowledge
Even though you haunt my memories,
You're the first thing
on my mind, and the only
Person I ever want to dream about
When I fall asleep.
You're still the most attractive,
The most perfect man alive.
When I say I love you
I want you to know
That I love you unconditionally,
And I know I always will.

I Feel Bad for You

I feel bad for you.
Every second since you met,
She has loved you with
Every fiber of her being.
And everything she did,
She did in pursuit of you.

 You were the most amazing person. 

In her mind, you did no wrong. 

If she could have anyone 

She would have always chosen you.

But every second you ignored her

She was torn apart. 

And all those broken pieces have fallen, 

waiting for you to pick them up. 

And since you chose someone else,

Someday those pieces will be fixed

By someone who knows she's amazing.

Someone who will love her for everything she is. 

By someone who knows they have the whole world right in front of them. 

You Don't Know.

My mind is blank.
I see your mouth move,
But my ears don't hear.
Now everyone laughs
And I can't even smile.
The only thoughts I entertain
Have me ending up in a grave.
I live in silence;
On the outside
Where no one can see me.
My body feels heavy;
The weight of the world
Setting on my shoulders.
But I don't even feel
The point of a knife.
You look at my life,
But you can't see the pain,
Ripping through my being.
You don't feel 
anything that I feel.
You don't know what I know. 
So don't tell me this isn't real.
Don't tell me it's a joke. 
Because you don't know. 

Hurt

I wish I could write down
All the words I want to say to you.
I long to get it all out on paper.
I wish I could tell you how
Angry I am, and how disappointed
I feel that you turned out
To be like everyone else.
I wish you could feel the pain
You have caused, and see the
Hearts that you have broken.
I want you to hear the screaming
In my head when I think of you;
And I want you to see the tears
That you have caused to fall.
But most of all, I want you to see
How I have to go on pretending
That I don't care; that you didn't hurt me
And that we're just the same
As we've always been.

Frozen

That night is one
    Not easily forgotten
The time we talked
    From night until dawn.
As young lovers learning
    About each other
For the very first time.
    Then your arms,
Wrapped around my waist,
    Brought us close
And my heart fluttered
    As a hummingbird's wings
Our lips grazed, mine desiring yours
    As a deer pants for water.
And suddenly I was thrown
    Head first into the sweetest
Reservoir of honey that is your lips.
    And as you pulled me close
I allowed my heart to open
    And your ice cold one
Froze mine right where we stood.

I Have to Go Now

Mommy's moving out today...
Her bags are on the floor.
Look up from your computer!
Don't you have anything to say?
You missed her walk out the door.
I guess the game is a better suitor.

Daddy, I'm sorry you're hurting.
But maybe if you would have noticed
Mommy, she wouldn't have left.
I can hear your sad crying,
But you didn't have the remotest
Clue that mommy felt like a reject.

Daddy, my room is packed too now.
My posters are off the walls
And I have to say goodbye to you,
But I don't think I'll ever know how.
I know you don't see the tears that fall,
I'll always love you daddy, it's true.

Mommy needs me more now.
She really doesn't want to leave
But she wasn't being seen by you
So she has to get out of town.
If she doesn't, she'll die from her grief
I'll miss you daddy, you know it's true.

Like You

My daddy told me to find someone just like him.
And as a little girl I was blinded to his sin.
The way my mother was ignored
And my eldest brother was driven out the door,
By my father's own hand.
My sister's dreams to dance would crash land
As my father would insist we did not have the money.
But as soon as sports came along and it was sunny,
He would find all the resources on the earth.
And my poor younger brother, never knowing his worth,
Was pushed to the side for our perfect elder brother.
We quickly learned not to bother the two of them together.
Sins against myself I can not quickly recount,
Though I was the first born daughter, I did not amount
To the standards placed before me
And I became the child to long to become an escapee.
So, daddy, I see what you can do
And I no longer want my husband to be just like you.

Good at Lying

Her arms have scars
Her life's not whole.
She opens up, to some new shining stars
That turn out to be disguised black wholes.
So the walls are back up
And some new scars appear,
As do some new falling tears.

Her mom's never home,
Her dad's always gone.
This life she lives isn't her own.
Decisions are made
And she picks up the blade.
"I can't do this anymore!"
She cries in the dark.

A scream was made,
And then she was gone;
A whisper in the wind, a tear in the storm.
Just because she looked so strong,
Didn't mean she never fell asleep crying.
And even though she acted like nothing was wrong;
Maybe, just maybe, she was really good at lying.