Alone

Is it my fault?
Am I the one to blame?
When I’m alone
And no one seems to care?

The only company I have
Are the thoughts 
That swirl inside my mind.
I just need one!

One person to never leave.
One friend
Who doesn’t lie to me
And doesn’t judge.

I just need one…
Please! So I’m not so alone…

The Most Difficult Thing

Being in love is the most difficult thing..
I want to run and jump and laugh!
But I want to cry and sob and be alone, too.
I want to smile and show that you've changed me!
But I want you to see that I'm dying as well.
I want to lay by your side forever,
And I want to push you away so I can be okay.
I want you to see just what you're doing
Because you're piecing me together
And watching me tear myself apart.
Being in love is the most difficult thing
When you don't believe love is worth the pain.

Maybe It's Time...

Do you think that it's possible
For a single person
To have such a large role in your life
But you have none in theirs?

You note the important milestones
And they pass him by
Without a second glance or care.
They mean so much and yet so little.

Late nights crying, he was there for you
And you thought so much
But to him you were just the broken girl;
The girl who had no one else to fix her.

For those who are crippled by this pain,
Of meaning so little
To someone who means so much to you,
Maybe it's time to give up on him.

Never forget, but don't hold on forever.

The Way I See You

So much anger and pent up frustration.
Just seeing your face sends me deeper into isolation.
Once the best of friends
But I suppose everything eventually ends.
She stole everything from me
And now you can't even see,
I'm standing right in front of you!
Why can't you see me the way that I see you?

What Makes a Person Beautiful?

What makes a person beautiful? 
I have to ask 
Is it the way they smile,
Or the way they laugh? 

What makes a person beautiful? 
Is it the color of their eyes? 
Is it because their kind? 
What if they are wonderful 
In everything they do? 

What makes a person beautiful? 
Does it have anything to do with looks at all? 
Is it the way they move their hips?
Cause superficial things mean nothing at all. 

What makes a person beautiful? 
Is it their compassion? 
Or their many possesions? 
Can someone please tell me? 
Because all I see around me 
Is people starving themselves 
To look like those celebrities.

What makes a person beautiful??
Does anybody really know??

Broken

A smile that lights up a room,
A laugh that rids of all gloom,
A joy that overwhelms you
And a person that is always true.

But these things are on the outside.
That same person can be falling apart inside.
A heart that's shattered because of you,
A person broken completely in two.

It Wasn't Over

I know I said I wouldn't,
I swore I was done.
That river that was flowing,
Would never take me again;
Even if you were with me.

I had done so well, for so long.
My walls were up, hope gone.
But so quickly, with a few words,
You broke me down. And the
Waves started to roll again.

Your lips like smooth velvet,
Beckoned me. And in a moment
I was gathered in your arms
And rushing towards the water.
The swirling mass a hint of things to come.

I hold your hand as you lean in;
The kiss sending me heavenbound.
My hope returning and my heart
Fixing, we jump: together. No
Longer are we alone on the shore.

But how quickly you scramble,
Afraid of what could happen.
You swim towards the shore;
After she left you alone you had forgotten
The pain the water could hold.

Hold onto my hand! I scream to you.
I won't let you down. But you're gone.
You left me in the same place as before.
How long till I learn? How long will I wait
For you before giving up altogether?

Unfortunately, I think I'll wait forever.

Always

You keep asking if I'm hurt, but I'm not.
I'm not broken, I'm not falling apart anymore.
I'm not hurt.

I'm just mad.
I'm mad at myself for believing your lies.
I'm mad at you, for lying to me all over again.

I'm mad because your smile is beautiful.
I'm mad because I apologize when you should.
I'm mad at myself.

I hate myself.
I hate that I can't stay angry with you.
I hate that no matter what, I'll always love you.

Last Day

Today's the day, I'm
Giving into temptations again.
My heart is heavy.
I've been telling myself that
I have to feel something.
Why do I see hearts everywhere?
Does this mean I'm in love?
I've never known love..
And I don't think 
I want to feel it at all.
But am I obligated to feel? No.
They tell me I'm in love.
When did I grow fonder?
I really wish I hadn't.
So now I'll finish it. 
Tonight's the night, I'm
Overcoming temptation right now.
Please don't come back. 
I don't want to love you. 
Now I don't see hearts everywhere.
And you're just a memory. 
Maybe I was making myself 
Believe that if one thing
Goes right it means love.
Someday I'll believe in it. 
But today, it will be
My last day of you. 

Soulmate

We met once, he and I.

His smile was heaven

And his eyes were home. 

He walked away though, and love
Was stripped from us, as he left.

He's living in my subconscious,

Maybe even further away. 

And sometimes I can hear

Something calling me; I'm

Here! Where are you?

He's the one measly smile 

In the midst of all the frowns.

And he gets better and better.

But where can I find him again?

Can't I be happy where I'm at?

I don't need anything, that way I

Don't have to worry about finding it.

And I don't know what I did

To feel about a stranger the way I do.
Come back, so we can know love.

Light Comes

Another day dawns
I'm still locked in this hole.
My chains grow heavier
Each and every day.
And the sun forgets to shine.
But, wait!
What is this light emanating
through the cracks?
The door in front of me
Is finally opening!
And the light radiates
From the man who enters.
The chains on the windows
are broken, the light
encompasses every space.
And yet, I feel no warmth.
"Lift your chains," He smiles,
"For only I can set you free."

Words I Can't Say

I can't do this anymore

If you're not honest with me.

I love you.
I hate you. I don't need you.
Please don't leave me.
Just go away! Leave me alone.
You're my only friend.
I'll be completely fine without you.
I'll cry if you go.
I'll never cry, because I'm not hurt.
Please, never leave!
Whatever. Goodbye.

I don't know how you expect me to say

All the things in my mind.

All the things that I've never told anyone

Starting with I love you.

Feelings

Maybe if I don't say it out loud,
It won't be true.
Because I'm just not that sure
How I feel about you.

Your smile tends to brighten
My entire day.
You make me laugh out loud
With things you say.

But I'm really not liking this
They way I feel
Because I've been hurt before
And it's all too real.

Please, I don't want to like you.
Stop being a flirt
I don't want these feelings
They make me feel like dirt.

Chains

Everything is black.
These chains are heavy.
I open my eyes,
But I see nothing.
My cries fill the silence.
How long have I been here?
I close my eyes again
And my shame fills me.
My past does not leave!
I am worthless.
I am nothing but dirt.
I long to be rescued.
I reach for the door,
But my chains restrict me.
My legs give out;
I fall. My face hits the ground.
You are my last resort;
When my strength is gone.
Please, Lord, save me!

What if?

What if...
I had never met you?
You never spoke to me?
You thought I was boring?
We had never become friends?

What if...
I couldn't trust you?
You told all of my secrets?
I never loved you?
You never broke my heart?

What if...
What if you never saved me?
I wouldn't be here without you,
Thank you for being my only friend.

Words from Me, to Me.

I'm ugly.

I hate myself.

I'm so stupid.

Who would love me?

I can't do anything right. 

I'm so fat.

Why am I so idiotic?

Just skip that meal,

It'll be easier than regretting it later.

That empty feeling in my stomach

Is proof that I'm being strong.

I can't wear that,

It shows all of my curves.

Him? Why do I want him?

He's way too far out of my league. 

No wonder no one likes me, 

I'm just stupid. 

My scars make me ugly.
My past makes me hideous.

No one will ever love me 

Because of what I've done. 

I.
Should.
Just.
Die.

Why do I say these things to myself?
These things aren't true.
None of these define me.
None tell me who I am.
You are beautiful, you are loved.
You are forgiven.
And you must remember that.

Forget

Somedays I forget to eat.
I forget to talk to people.
I forget to leave my room.
I forget to be presentable.
I forget that blades are sharp.
Sometimes I forget to sleep.
I forget all of these things
And yet no one asks
If I'm really forgetting at all.

Our Tale

Our tale is one of tragedy. 
It begins on a starry night;
As young lovers we meet
Your smile capturing my heart
Upon the first glance. 

We walk and laugh and joke,
You are excellent with words.
Taking my hand in yours
You lead me to the waters edge
I jump. You told me you'd follow.

As I drown in these waters
You grab her hand, lead her
Where I wanted to follow.
I call to you, you both laugh.
I pull myself out of the murky water.

I am tainted now, with the mud,
The smell of the rushing river.
I watch as she leads you 
To the brink of that same stream.
I watch you leap, and she stands.

You realize what was done to you
And yell out for her to return,
Just as I did yearn for you.
I take pity and grab your murky arm.
Helping you, as you did not help me.

We resume our walk, laughing,
Full of hope; both tainted by the silt.
I am closed now, my heart behind walls.
You long to jump in again, with me.
I dare not trust. I dare not jump.

And this is where our story ends. 

Who Am I?

I am a reader.
                                        I'm a writer.
           I am weird.                          I'm a singer, even if I'm not very good.
                                                                      I am a screwup.
I am forgiven.
                                                                                   I am lonely.
                                      I love other cultures.
                                                                           I am in love with the past,
                                                                      and the mysteries encompassed by it.
           I am a dreamer.
                         I am lazy.                                I am a follower.
   I am one who knows my boundaries now.
                                                              I am not one to give up on someone
                                                                                               easily.

                                                                    I am strong. 

                      I am not perfect.

                               So i'm going to stop pretending. 

                                                                    I am beautiful. 

I am loved.                                      I am loved.                        I am loved.

Waiting

Every day that passes by,
I wonder why I have to be alone.
Sometimes I sit in my room
And just think of how amazing it will be
When I finally have you by my side.
I know that someday you'll be here
And I won't even realize what happened
But suddenly I'll know why
I had to be alone for all those years;
Because you were coming to find me.
It may take you a while,
But that's okay.
I'll spend as much time alone as I need to,
As long as it means I'll get to spend
The rest of my life standing by your side.

Beautiful in the End

I've spent a lot of time

Looking at my past and regretting it

I've wondered my whole life

If there's something wrong with me.

I've never really had many friends

And I overlooked the ones that I did have.

I've done things that I

Probably will never forget

And things that I

Probably will never remember.

All the while I've been thinking

I can't wait until my life gets started

And I never really realized,

That life can start without you sometimes;

While I was busy looking behind

And straining to see ahead,

I've missed things happening right now.

And all those ordinary things I overlooked,
Well they're beautiful in the end.
And maybe I'll never
Be perfectly okay with who I am,
But I'm one of those ordinary things,
And maybe, just maybe;
I'll be beautiful in the end.

Innocence

An old picture album sits on my desk

I'm not sure what has brought me to this

As I flip through pages I start to reminisce

Thinking about what it'd be like

To be young and innocent again.

I'd give anything to be that age

When my biggest concern was 

What color bow to wear with my dress,

And I still had my innocence.

I walk through town

and I pass by that place.

Why'd I let you take it all away?

I never thought I'd become that way.

Why can't I go back to the time

Where all I worried about 

Was who stole my crayons?

And there, in that time, I still had my innocence. 

But I'm looking towards the future,

with all I have left.

And even if someday our paths were to cross,

I'd smile to myself and laugh it all off.

Because, yes, I gave myself to you;

But people make stupid mistakes

And you were my biggest one. 

Repetitive

I'm not fat.
I'm not fat.
I'm not fat.
I'm not fat!
How many times do I have to tell myself that
Before I actually start to believe it?

The Undeniable Truth

I have never
Thought of myself as someone good.
And I would love
To be able to accept that I could be loved.

But I've been told

That I am worthless to everyone.

I am nothing

Worth loving, caring, or believing in.

Why did you

Prove all of those things to be true?

You were the one

Who was supposed to make me believe again.

Feelings

Sometimes I wish I could just shut down.
I don't want to feel hate, or boredom,
Not even happiness or love.
I just don't want to feel at all.
I don't know why I want this,
It makes no logical sense.
Who wouldn't want to feel love?
But, I guess, when you've been hurt as badly as I have been,
It really does make all the sense in the world.

Want

I always want what I can't have.
And right now, I want you.
I want crazy, undeniable, inexplicable love.
I want that fast heartbeat
And butterflies in my stomach.
I want my thoughts whirling
and I sometimes want to feel dizzy.
I want, but it won't happen.

My Love

Oh that my love does see me shine,

When I speak of His great love divine!

No man will ever pluck me from His hands,

Even after I die. 

My Love loves more than any man could;

And He performs all good things for me.

No greater love than this for sure;

He laid down his life to save my soul!

Goodnight

The darkness which has been surrounding me for so long

Begs to take me under;

To suffocate me with all the pains of my past. 

The guilt with which I remember them all 

Is the driving force for all my hatred.

And the darkness feeds on hate.

Therefore I can keep it at bay no longer.

I never realized how much I crave the light

Until I can no longer see it.

Goodnight my painful life. 

Not Just A Fairytale

I have fallen in love just as quickly as I dreamed I never would. The pure idea of love scares me more than anything in the world and I swore to loathe it for eternity. Yet, here I am, breaking into pieces from the very love I hate.

All my life I’ve read stories of those people who love at first sight, giving up their entire lives and all their hopes and dreams for someone else all in the name of “love.” It was such a fairytale, such a fantasy that one could only believe it was something of stories. True, pure, love is unattainable and a fallacy; no more true than Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Love does not and cannot exist; especially love at first glance. For how could one know someone’s heart so quickly? Surely they cannot. You cannot know one’s heart by looking in their eyes, you cannot know their soul by one touch.

But here I am. The epitome of all I hate. My heart has not resumed a regular pattern since I first saw his eyes. And since his first touch my stomach has been a flight with butterflies. “I’ve only just met him!” I declare to myself. My head aching for my heart to listen, but my heart takes no notice. It pants, it longs, it loves. Against all wishes, it loves. It loves the boy with dark chocolate eyes and tan skin and beautiful brown hair. It loves the family, so easily accepting of the outsider.

My soul is torn between my head and my heart. “It cannot exist! You mustn't let yourself believe!” My head screams. “Just once trust that something good can happen! Love cannot just be of myth!” My heart yells in return. All the while my body is in constant sickness with something that has never been felt before. I only wish to scream to the world:

I love him!

I Saw You

I saw you.

I saw how you laughed

(even if something wasn't funny)

I saw how you teased

(it was how you said 'I love you')

I saw how you gave and gave

(and never asked to receive)

I saw you fall in love

(with someone other than myself)

I saw you, but you never saw me.

I Just Want to Scream

Black and white,

everything must be.

Talk like this,

look like that.

No acceptance

for difference. 

Be a size zero.

Have hair that flows. 

Mold yourself!

No personality,

no character. 

Or, be surrounded by laughter.

Media controls us.

Movies show us what love is.

Magazines tell us to starve. 

Family tells us to be ourselves. 

But celebrities show us how to conform.

How long will it take before we scream:

NO MORE!