What if?

What if...
I had never met you?
You never spoke to me?
You thought I was boring?
We had never become friends?

What if...
I couldn't trust you?
You told all of my secrets?
I never loved you?
You never broke my heart?

What if...
What if you never saved me?
I wouldn't be here without you,
Thank you for being my only friend.

Words from Me, to Me.

I'm ugly.

I hate myself.

I'm so stupid.

Who would love me?

I can't do anything right. 

I'm so fat.

Why am I so idiotic?

Just skip that meal,

It'll be easier than regretting it later.

That empty feeling in my stomach

Is proof that I'm being strong.

I can't wear that,

It shows all of my curves.

Him? Why do I want him?

He's way too far out of my league. 

No wonder no one likes me, 

I'm just stupid. 

My scars make me ugly.
My past makes me hideous.

No one will ever love me 

Because of what I've done. 

I.
Should.
Just.
Die.

Why do I say these things to myself?
These things aren't true.
None of these define me.
None tell me who I am.
You are beautiful, you are loved.
You are forgiven.
And you must remember that.

Forget

Somedays I forget to eat.
I forget to talk to people.
I forget to leave my room.
I forget to be presentable.
I forget that blades are sharp.
Sometimes I forget to sleep.
I forget all of these things
And yet no one asks
If I'm really forgetting at all.

Our Tale

Our tale is one of tragedy. 
It begins on a starry night;
As young lovers we meet
Your smile capturing my heart
Upon the first glance. 

We walk and laugh and joke,
You are excellent with words.
Taking my hand in yours
You lead me to the waters edge
I jump. You told me you'd follow.

As I drown in these waters
You grab her hand, lead her
Where I wanted to follow.
I call to you, you both laugh.
I pull myself out of the murky water.

I am tainted now, with the mud,
The smell of the rushing river.
I watch as she leads you 
To the brink of that same stream.
I watch you leap, and she stands.

You realize what was done to you
And yell out for her to return,
Just as I did yearn for you.
I take pity and grab your murky arm.
Helping you, as you did not help me.

We resume our walk, laughing,
Full of hope; both tainted by the silt.
I am closed now, my heart behind walls.
You long to jump in again, with me.
I dare not trust. I dare not jump.

And this is where our story ends. 

Who Am I?

I am a reader.
                                        I'm a writer.
           I am weird.                          I'm a singer, even if I'm not very good.
                                                                      I am a screwup.
I am forgiven.
                                                                                   I am lonely.
                                      I love other cultures.
                                                                           I am in love with the past,
                                                                      and the mysteries encompassed by it.
           I am a dreamer.
                         I am lazy.                                I am a follower.
   I am one who knows my boundaries now.
                                                              I am not one to give up on someone
                                                                                               easily.

                                                                    I am strong. 

                      I am not perfect.

                               So i'm going to stop pretending. 

                                                                    I am beautiful. 

I am loved.                                      I am loved.                        I am loved.

Waiting

Every day that passes by,
I wonder why I have to be alone.
Sometimes I sit in my room
And just think of how amazing it will be
When I finally have you by my side.
I know that someday you'll be here
And I won't even realize what happened
But suddenly I'll know why
I had to be alone for all those years;
Because you were coming to find me.
It may take you a while,
But that's okay.
I'll spend as much time alone as I need to,
As long as it means I'll get to spend
The rest of my life standing by your side.

Beautiful in the End

I've spent a lot of time

Looking at my past and regretting it

I've wondered my whole life

If there's something wrong with me.

I've never really had many friends

And I overlooked the ones that I did have.

I've done things that I

Probably will never forget

And things that I

Probably will never remember.

All the while I've been thinking

I can't wait until my life gets started

And I never really realized,

That life can start without you sometimes;

While I was busy looking behind

And straining to see ahead,

I've missed things happening right now.

And all those ordinary things I overlooked,
Well they're beautiful in the end.
And maybe I'll never
Be perfectly okay with who I am,
But I'm one of those ordinary things,
And maybe, just maybe;
I'll be beautiful in the end.

Innocence

An old picture album sits on my desk

I'm not sure what has brought me to this

As I flip through pages I start to reminisce

Thinking about what it'd be like

To be young and innocent again.

I'd give anything to be that age

When my biggest concern was 

What color bow to wear with my dress,

And I still had my innocence.

I walk through town

and I pass by that place.

Why'd I let you take it all away?

I never thought I'd become that way.

Why can't I go back to the time

Where all I worried about 

Was who stole my crayons?

And there, in that time, I still had my innocence. 

But I'm looking towards the future,

with all I have left.

And even if someday our paths were to cross,

I'd smile to myself and laugh it all off.

Because, yes, I gave myself to you;

But people make stupid mistakes

And you were my biggest one. 

Repetitive

I'm not fat.
I'm not fat.
I'm not fat.
I'm not fat!
How many times do I have to tell myself that
Before I actually start to believe it?

The Undeniable Truth

I have never
Thought of myself as someone good.
And I would love
To be able to accept that I could be loved.

But I've been told

That I am worthless to everyone.

I am nothing

Worth loving, caring, or believing in.

Why did you

Prove all of those things to be true?

You were the one

Who was supposed to make me believe again.

Feelings

Sometimes I wish I could just shut down.
I don't want to feel hate, or boredom,
Not even happiness or love.
I just don't want to feel at all.
I don't know why I want this,
It makes no logical sense.
Who wouldn't want to feel love?
But, I guess, when you've been hurt as badly as I have been,
It really does make all the sense in the world.

Want

I always want what I can't have.
And right now, I want you.
I want crazy, undeniable, inexplicable love.
I want that fast heartbeat
And butterflies in my stomach.
I want my thoughts whirling
and I sometimes want to feel dizzy.
I want, but it won't happen.